I admit, engaging in play with my children isn't something that feels instinctive. While many parents seem to jump into imaginative scenarios with ease, I often feel overwhelmed by the noise, mess, and the challenge of letting loose. Watching my husband play effortlessly only emphasizes my struggle. This realization made me question: What's keeping me from enjoying these moments? You're not alone if you find this aspect of parenting isolating.
To explore this further, I consulted family therapist Jenna Vivaldi, who specializes in family dynamics and trauma. Together, we examined why play can be tough and how I can connect with my kids in ways that feel authentic.
Featured image from our interview with Marie Kouadio Amouzame by Belathée Photography.
Jenna Vivaldi is an Associate Marriage and Family Therapist based in San Francisco. She focuses on helping families and individuals heal from trauma, empowering parents to foster a regulated nervous system in children for their emotional well-being.
Why is Play Difficult for Some Parents?
There are several reasons why playing with children may seem challenging:
Lifestyle factors. Engaging in play often requires a regulated nervous system and a sense of safety. If you're struggling to access playfulness, it may be due to stress from responsibilities, feeling unsupported, or not having enough time for self-care.
Neurodivergence. Some neurodivergent individuals might find specific types of play uninteresting or even dull.
Unresolved childhood trauma. Past experiences can significantly shape our adult relationship with play. Sometimes, children can evoke unresolved feelings from our own childhoods.
Perfectionism and unrealistic expectations. Pressuring yourself to be your child's constant source of entertainment can lead to resistance or resentment towards playtime. It's essential for children to engage in independent play as well. Reflect on your expectations about playing with your child.
Navigating Different Approaches to Play
Research shows that men might find it easier to engage in play with their children due to both socialization and biological factors. Men often compartmentalize responsibilities better, allowing them to immerse themselves in play without the distraction of other obligations.
Conversely, many women juggle multiple roles simultaneously, which can hinder their ability to dive into playful interactions. The persistent feeling of unfinished tasks can create stress, making it hard to access the carefree mindset that makes play enjoyable.
Moreover, studies indicate that men naturally engage in rough-and-tumble play, which helps children with emotional regulation and social skills. Fathers, often socialized to be more physical, may find this form of play more enjoyable.
Recognizing these differences can help parents discover their own authentic ways to bond with their kids. If roughhousing isn't your style, that's perfectly fine! Explore storytelling, arts and crafts, outdoor activities, or quiet moments before bed. Finding what resonates for you both is key.
5 Strategies for Parents Who Struggle With Play
If playing with your kids doesn't come easily, Vivaldi suggests starting with curiosity.
Follow the feelings. When your child invites you to play, pay attention to your emotional response. Notice any resistance, boredom, or anxiety. These feelings can provide insights into emotional barriers that affect your enjoyment of play.
Identify the context. Consider which types of play are easier or more difficult for you. Is it imaginative play, arts and crafts, or something else? This understanding can help you find activities that suit you.
Reflect on adult play. Consider your own relationship with play. Do you prioritize fun and creativity in your own life?
Reflect on childhood play. Think about your experiences as a child. Were you encouraged to be playful, or did you feel pressured to grow up too quickly? Such memories can influence your current approach to play with your kids.
Make a Plan. Use your insights to create a plan that aligns with your preferences and your child's. For instance:
- Marissa discovered she prefers collecting activities over turn-based games. Now, she enjoys beachcombing for sea glass with her daughter.
- Jordan traced her overwhelm while playing with her active twin boys back to childhood responsibilities. She sought therapy to address these feelings and reconnect with play.
Alternative Ways to Connect With Your Kids
Bonding doesn't have to happen through traditional play. Everyday moments can be just as meaningful. Dance in the kitchen, read together at bedtime, create art side by side, teach valuable skills, play word games during car rides, or have deep conversations at dinner. What truly matters is your energy and presence. If you're engaged and happy, your child will feel it, too.
Connection can flourish in small, everyday moments—play is just one avenue.
Building Lasting Memories Beyond Play
Parenting comes with its learning experiences, including the realization that play might not be your forte. Yet, taking small, intentional steps—like trying structured games, exploring outdoor play, or allowing yourself to be silly—can lead to growth.
Keep in mind that play looks different for everyone. The next time you feel disconnected, remember that with patience and practice, you can forge memories and bonds that feel genuine to you.
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