It's Okay to Not Be Okay: Embracing Your Full Emotional Spectrum

This year, we experienced a sudden loss when a close family friend, someone I regarded as an uncle, died unexpectedly in a bike accident. My sister and I received the news just days before my wedding, and we were engulfed in shock, sorrow, and anger. We were not okay. Our uncle was a remarkable person, adored in the community, always making you feel special during conversations. I had two conflicting thoughts: he didn’t deserve this fate, and our world wasn’t worthy of him.

I will always remember sitting on my sister’s room floor, holding her hand as she expressed her grief. Though I was hurting too, I focused on her as my younger sister. I reassured her, saying, “It’s alright to be upset. You’re entitled to feel what you feel.”

What I’ve learned through this experience is that it’s perfectly fine to not feel okay. Acknowledging and leaning into your emotions is essential; pushing them down only leads to complications. I once heard someone say that our thoughts are like birds flying overhead; we can’t stop them, but we can choose not to let them nest. Stop criticizing your feelings. Just let them be.

Honoring your feelings begins with acknowledgment. Here’s how to move past toxic positivity and accept your emotions fully.

The Frustration with “Positive Vibes”

We’re in extraordinary times. Humanity is facing numerous challenges: a pandemic, social upheaval, economic struggles, and a planet in distress. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, that’s completely understandable. This moment is stirring up emotions in all of us. We’re not broken; we’re simply human.

Yet, emotions are often categorized as positive or negative, as if they need fixing. Feelings like sadness, anxiety, anger, and grief are not wrong; they’re integral to our human experience.

A licensed psychologist explains that toxic positivity assumes that, despite emotional pain or challenging situations, one should maintain a positive outlook or “positive vibes.”

What Does This Mean?

“Everything will work out.” “There’s a reason for everything.” “Stay positive!” It’s cringeworthy.

While nurturing a positive mindset is powerful, toxic positivity suggests that the only way to cope with negativity is to spin it positively. It implies that mental health struggles are a weakness. I’ll repeat: it’s okay to not be okay. Accept this imperfect journey, and you’ll discover the beauty of simply being alive, even amid pain.

“Everything worthwhile in life comes from overcoming negative experiences. Avoiding pain leads to more suffering.” —Mark Manson, The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck

Discomfort Is Part of the Process

Processing your feelings can be uncomfortable. Think about yoga; it teaches us to lean into discomfort to release its hold. Whether you’re tackling a challenging pose or running uphill, there comes a moment when your mind simply releases.

The practice isn’t about getting stuck in pain or ignoring it but understanding that the only way out is through. This journey requires non-judgment, compassion, and kindness toward ourselves.

Feelings Are Temporary

Keep in mind that emotions have a start, peak, and end. We can only control their journey so much. It’s crucial to focus on what we can manage: our choices and routines. Amid this, granting ourselves grace and recognizing that our pain is transient is vital. It doesn’t define us; it’s a part of life. Giving it more power than it deserves only gives it control over us.

One insightful excerpt on this topic comes from a notable book: Quit Like A Woman, which notes:

“Pema Chodron explains that no emotion lasts longer than 90 seconds. If we let it flow without interference, it will pass quickly. Emotions arise, intensify, and fade in less time than it takes to heat a burrito. What prolongs them are the narratives we create around them.”

“A prolonged emotional experience stems from the stories we keep alive in our minds.”

We’re All in This Together

Your relationship with yourself often reflects in your connections with others. We share this existence, and it’s essential to recognize our collective power. It starts with individual efforts.

Denying your emotions means denying your truth and living inauthentically. When you diminish your connection with yourself, you limit your ability to connect with others meaningfully. You need yourself, and we need one another more than ever. Embrace your emotional journey, imperfections and all. That’s okay.