How often do you and your friends discuss salaries? If you're hesitant or unsure how to bring it up, this is for you.

Asking about salaries can be tricky. Questions like, “What do people in your field typically earn?” may come off as casual, but asking directly, “What’s your salary?” could lead to uncomfortable reactions. So, where's the balance? If you want to start a money conversation with friends, how do you initiate it?

Many prefer to steer clear of money discussions altogether, often opting for lighter topics. A 2017 report revealed that friends would rather talk about their weight or family issues than finances. Surprisingly, 61% of women would prefer discussing death over money, according to a recent study. These insights highlight that money talks don’t always have to be so daunting.

Taking the Initiative

You might already be discussing finances without realizing it. Carolyn Rooke, a social strategy manager from Chicago, shares that her friends openly talk about their rent costs to ensure they’re getting good deals. Sometimes, these discussions lead to salary topics. “It feels like a more natural shift,” she explains.

However, this openness is often limited to her peers. Rooke notes that older generations tend to be more secretive about their incomes. “I couldn’t confidently guess what my parents earn,” she admits. “I want to foster transparency among my friends because I believe it’s a progressive mindset.”

This shift can be beneficial. Rooke found transparency useful when she realized she was being significantly underpaid. Colleagues in similar roles earned $13,000-$20,000 more than her. This revelation motivated her to negotiate better pay and ultimately leave that job, armed with newfound confidence.

Understanding Social Comparisons

Discussing salaries is challenging because it inherently involves comparing ourselves to others. Erin Vogel, a postdoctoral fellow at UCSF, explains this social comparison can impact self-esteem. We often compare ourselves to others for validation, to improve ourselves, or to gauge our own situations.

When one friend shares their salary first, it encourages the other to open up, fostering a more relaxed dialogue.

In one of Vogel’s studies, participants who viewed idealized social media profiles felt worse about themselves compared to those who didn’t. “Social comparisons happen so instinctively that we often don’t notice,” Vogel points out.

Engaging in Salary Discussions

There’s no one-size-fits-all approach to these conversations. Rooke suggests starting with something like, “I’m trying to assess if I’m compensated fairly, and I’d love to discuss some numbers with you. Are you open to that?” By sharing first, the conversation becomes more comfortable and allows for varying levels of disclosure.

Relationship expert Dr. Melanie Ross Mills advises that everyone should have at least three people they can discuss finances with candidly. “We need friends who celebrate our successes and help us strategize our financial challenges,” she emphasizes.

Ultimately, these discussions aren’t just about knowing your friends' salaries; they're about understanding your own career standing and fostering transparency with those close to you. Such conversations can promote mutual financial well-being.

If you struggle to talk money without judgment, it might be best to hold back. But if you’re ready to strengthen your friendships through open discussions about salaries, set aside your fears and embrace the conversation.

Be open, genuine, and considerate. Don’t shy away from discussing money.